by Karen K.C. Gibson
I’ve learned it is a natural parental instinct to prevent our kids from pain. Who wants to see tears of frustration or hearts broken from disappointment? As a mom of two adult daughters, ages 22 and 28, I’ve witnessed my daughters experience frustration and discovered that the only way my girls will gain strength and develop a growth mindset is to endure the emotional pain that may appear to destroy their mental stability. I now see their pain benefit them as adults.
During the ups and downs in life, the ups are easy to experience. Laughter, the thrill of feeling you’re on top of the world, is what you think life should be all about. Every parent dreads the tears of disappointment their child suffers when they earn a low grade or lose an important competition. However, when you look at what builds a growth mindset, it’s about learning the hidden gifts of the low grades, broken hearts, and losses that develop our mental strength. Growing our mindset means graciously accepting our mistakes and not allowing low grades to define our worth. As a private tutor and a parent who believed high grades would increase the chances of success, I encouraged my daughters to study hard, do extra credit, and aim for the honor roll. I mistakenly believed that their accomplishments defined their value. I failed to see their mistakes and occasional low grades as an opportunity to learn and build resilience.
Help your child see the big picture. Let’s teach our future adults that life isn’t about pursuing happiness and accomplishing our goals. It’s about the tiny nuggets of joy between the stressful, frustrating pieces of the Game of Life. Some of us focus on the jagged pieces, while those who are happier prioritize seeing the hidden gifts of the challenges we experience.
As an educator for nearly three decades, I’ve seen my students who aren’t afraid to fail are the ones who suffer fewer worries and tend to exhibit higher confidence. They see mistakes as part of their journey. My students who are afraid of the negative consequences (having video games or phone privileges taken away) develop anxiety as they feel pressured to achieve the honor roll certificate. Recently, a fifth grader shared that his teacher developed an incentive plan to help him improve his focusing skills. He would earn extra computer game privileges whenever his teacher observed him staying on task during class. My student shared that this incentive motivated him to focus rather than be threatened to stay in for recess if he wasn’t focused. A growth mindset is sometimes achieved with fewer punitive consequences and more rewards.
Our job as parents is not to prevent our children from hardships. Our job is to support them when they fall. We need to allow them to fail periodically without worrying that they won’t be able to handle adversity. Trust me, I’ve learned the worst-case scenario rarely becomes a reality. Kids are way more resilient than we give them credit for. I’ve recently noticed that today’s students possess higher anxiety than students in previous generations. The pressure to take honors classes and sometimes earn an associate’s degree while they earn their high school diploma was not even a goal to strive for a few decades ago. Parents didn’t expect us to choose our major and take the right college prep classes to advance when they enrolled as college freshmen.
Kindergarteners are expected to create PowerPoint presentations and receive critical comments that hurt their self-esteem. My students told me they weren’t focusing in class or not living up to their potential and shared their worries with me during our tutoring sessions. They feel they will never be seen as a good student unless they aim for perfection. When I remind them that making mistakes is okay and that we all make mistakes, they shake their heads in defiance, saying they will be punished if their report cards are lower than a “B.” This academic pressure does not build a growth mindset, as students focus more on getting the right grades than learning the material.
Learning to navigate the rollercoaster of emotions is like the waves I’ve witnessed at the beach. Some crash into surfers, causing them to tumble into rough, foaming waves. Other waves carry the surfers effortlessly as they ride their longboards to shore. When professional surfer Bethany Hamilton survived a shark attack in 2003, resulting in her left arm being bitten off, she returned to professional surfing and became an inspiring author. Her mission is to help families overcome obstacles, and her books, “Soul Surfer: A True Story of Faith, Family, and Fighting to Get Back on the Board” and “Be Unstoppable: The Art of Never Giving Up” are incredible resources to discover how to shift one’s mindset so setbacks will never be reasons to give up.
The next time you’re at the beach, ask your children to watch the waves crash onto the shore and ask them if the waves worry whether they will get hurt crashing into rocks or the shore. Growing pains build a strong mindset. Instead of preventing your children from experiencing the pain of disappointment, remind yourself that the hidden gifts of mistakes/ failures are the opportunity to grow a positive outlook and the courage to ride the scariest waves in life.
