by Stephanie Lopes
“I can tell you’ve been practicing your two-digit multiplication!” “You’re so smart! You did better than all your classmates!” When your child brings home a good grade on a math test, these common compliments are perfectly normal reactions with the best intentions. However, the former may boost self-confidence, while the latter could eventually lead to demotivation and frustration.
“All children are unique and react differently to praise. For some it also depends on their level of self-esteem,” says Christine Loomis, Dean of Curricular Studies at Maryknoll School, who has the daily opportunity to positively praise hundreds of students, including her own children.
Compared to vague compliments, which leave room for doubt, intentional praise helps children understand exactly what they did well and encourages them to repeat those positive behaviors in the future. So, how can we best utilize praise to effectively motivate and encourage our child?
Praise The Process, Not The Person.
“You’re so creative!” “You easily scored that basket with your height.” These forms of praise fixate on children’s natural talents, which could lead to the avoidance of challenges. While natural abilities do help children to achieve certain feats, process-oriented praise, conversely, will lead to a mindset in which children are focused on growth and development.
“Parents should praise children in situations where effort and achievement are involved,” says Loomis. “These situations help with the child’s learning and motivation.
After a full day spent building an intricate Lego tower with a lift bridge at the entrance, tell your child, “Wow, you worked so hard putting all those pieces together and planning your building! You even found a creative way to build that bridge.” This descriptive, process-oriented praise focuses on the child’s effort and is more of an intrinsic motivator.
As your child completes his first fun run, staggering across the finish line near the end of the pack, offer praise such as, “I am proud of you for trying something new. You kept running even though you were tired.” Do not compare your child to others, which might be tempting at sporting events, as this could reduce motivation if your child is not “winning.” Instead focus on his or her personal journey.
If your child is working on their science fair project, offer your support by praising the smaller steps along the way: “You wrote a very thoughtful hypothesis.” Even if your child makes mistakes and struggles to complete the project, praise their resilience to continue: “Nice job! You kept trying different ways to do your experiment even though it didn’t work the first couple of times!”
Specific Praise Reinforces Positive Behavior.
A simple ‘good job’ could lead a child to question, ‘for what?’. “Parents should try to be specific about their praise, so that their children know exactly what they did to deserve the recognition,” emphasizes Loomis.
For example, if you are working on specific skills and manners with your young child, such as saying ‘thank you’, be sure to praise her when she tells aunty ‘thank you’, by saying something like, “You made aunty feel happy when you told her ‘thank you’.” This type of praise reinforces positive behavior and identifies the specific skill – eliminating any guessing.
After receiving a not-so-good grade on a math test, encourage your child to take certain steps to improve his score, and when he does, specifically praise him for learning from mistakes: “Nice job talking to your teacher to get extra tutoring. I am proud you studied more carefully for this test and checked your answers before turning it in. You even got a better grade because of your efforts!”
Be Sincere: Don’t Say, “Awesome Job!” If It’s Not.
“Be honest about your praise, because children know when it is undeserving,” says Loomis. If your child is not exerting his or her best efforts, do not offer general praise for trying; instead ask, “Did you try your best by [stating specific efforts he or she could have exerted]?”
“Praise should also be appropriate and not inflated,” explains Loomis. “Excessive praise can cause some children stress, so it is important for parents to be mindful and monitor what they say.”
Children can sense when praise is sincere; if it is not, they can lose trust, feel insecure, or even take this unauthentic praise as a sign of failure. If a ‘good job’ is always heard, how will your child confide in you for honest feedback when they need help to really do a ‘good job’? Additionally, overpraise can cause a child to rely on external validation before taking new risks.
“Parents should avoid praising children for doing behaviors that are expected,” adds Loomis. If your child has proven that she knows how and when to say ‘thank you’, then you may not praise her for this positive behavior; instead, if she does not say ‘thank you’ a loving reprimand may be in order.
Encourage Self-Praise and Self-Confidence.
As you praise your child, you can help him or her to recognize well-deserved compliments by saying something like, “You must feel proud that you studied so hard to understand fractions.” Recognizing your child’s feelings helps him to independently identify when he has done a ‘good job’ without an adult saying so, which in turn leads to self-motivation and greater self-esteem.
We all want our children to feel motivated and encouraged. We want to praise them because we are genuinely proud of them. But changing habits to offer more process-oriented, specific, and authentic praise helps our children to feel more confident and loved while they tackle challenges and grow – and this positive praise will most likely still produce a big smile.