by Karen K.C. Gibson
In my book, “One Hundred Parenting Tips Inspired by the Pandemic,” one of the tips is to encourage kids to think critically. Many children are impatient and want answers NOW. Many parents, frustrated by their children’s persistent questioning, often find themselves wondering, “Why do kids ask ‘why’?”. They ask these questions when parents are often rushing and don’t have the patience to know the answers to the endless questions of “Why do I have to do my homework?”, “Why can’t I have what I want?”, “Why do we learn things in school that we’ll never use in real life when we’re adults?”, or “Why do I have to go to sleep so early?”.
Seeing the Value in “Why”
Curiosity is a sign of wanting to understand, learn, and explore. Instead of feeling frustrated and dreading these questions, parents should see the value of being asked, “Why?”. Children may genuinely be interested in connecting with their parents, engaging in meaningful discussions, and finding answers to questions that they feel are extremely important. So, the next time it feels like senseless questions are a waste of time to answer, investing in a meaningful conversation may lead to a new hobby or a possible future career.
You Don’t Need All the Answers
Parents do not have to have all the answers to their children’s questions. Pause and take a deep breath. Take several deep breaths. Resist the temptation to offer an answer. Find the opportunity to turn these “why” questions into an intriguing discussion. Perhaps asking curious children what they think may be a way to satisfy their inquisitiveness.
Let AI Spark Conversations and Critical Thinking
Experimenting with ChatGPT and other AI options can provide a buffet of answers, teaching children how to research any topic and how to recognize when AI may not always have the right answers. It’s also a life lesson to acknowledge that sometimes the value of learning involves exploring, rather than finding the correct answer. School is focused on finding the right answer and being penalized for our mistakes. Test anxiety may cause children to ask, “Why are grades so important?”. Thoughtful discussions on why grades never define a child’s worth may be precisely what an anxious child needs to hear to reduce their dreaded fear of feeling that their grades represent their intelligence.
The Hidden Gift of Patience
Children feel valued when parents take the time to listen to their ever-expanding list of “why” questions. For busy parents who dread being asked question after question after a long day of work, household chores, and checking homework, practicing patience by indulging in their children’s natural curiosity has hidden gifts. Inquisitive young minds can create special parent-child connections while also fostering intellectual growth.
When “Why?” Signals Frustration
Occasionally, children may ask “why” to express their frustration. They aren’t being defiant, but testing boundaries, processing information they don’t understand, and craving to be understood. It’s similar to parents asking their children: “Why don’t you just listen?”, “Why do you keep asking me again and again when the answer is no?”, or “Why do you keep annoying your brother?”
Consistency Matters More Than Convenience
Children may also continue to make a request, thinking that maybe if they ask repeatedly, the “no” answer may turn to “yes.” This sometimes happens when exhausted parents give in because they want the argumentative behavior to stop. Saying, “Okay, you can stay up past your bedtime” or “Go ahead and eat a cookie before dinner” feels easier than putting their foot down. Keep in mind the negative consequences of breaking your non-negotiable rules. You’ll have to answer, “Why did you change your mind last time when you let me eat a cookie before dinner?”
A Developing Brain Needs Space to Learn
Children’s brains aren’t fully developed until their mid-to-late twenties. So, each time frustration builds, remember that children are naturally wired to want answers, which fuels their learning. Parents are wired to answer questions, and often feel uncomfortable saying, “I don’t know.” Teaching children that it’s normal not to know the answers breaks the myth that adults need to always know the answers. If parents avoid answering “Why” questions, some children may be discouraged from asking questions, which may lead to feeling uncomfortable asking their teachers questions.
Turn Questions into Empowerment
Encourage your child’s curiosity by asking them, “What do you think is the answer?”
The world of answers is at our fingertips, with options ranging from researching books at the library to browsing the internet (ensuring that parental controls prevent inappropriate content), and even creating a survey to ask friends and family for their opinions. Children will learn that often there are multiple answers and enjoy the quest for continued learning. Reassure your child that it’s okay if they’re wrong when brainstorming possible solutions. Remind them that their brain has an opportunity to practice hypothesizing, which strengthens their independent thinking skills. Making mistakes or not knowing the answers is not a sign of low intelligence. It’s the way we learn, grow, and develop a healthy mindset.
