by Kirsten Cobabe
You might find yourself asking your teen a simple question only to be met with an eye roll. Maybe you set a boundary and got a slammed door. Maybe you offered some guidance and they were snarky or sarcastic.
For many parents, these moments activate fear, frustration or sadness, especially when they seem to come out of nowhere. While these behaviors can be intense, they’re developmentally expected. They don’t mean you’ve failed or that your teen hates you. They usually mean they are still learning how to handle big emotions.
So how do you stay connected when your teen seems to be pushing you away? How do you avoid making things worse? It’s about presence, not perfection. Let’s name what’s happening. An eye roll looks like disrespect. A slammed door feels like rejection. A sarcastic comment stings. Beneath these reactions is often overwhelm, embarrassment, shame or powerlessness. These are natural human emotions and your child is asking for your steadiness.
Teens are developing rapidly—physically, emotionally and neurologically. Their prefrontal cortex, responsible for impulse control and long-term thinking, is under construction. Their limbic system, the emotional center, is in overdrive, often hijacking logic and amplifying emotions. That means they’re more likely to react before reflecting.
Adolescents care about how they’re perceived, even if they pretend not to. I’ve heard it almost every day for years now. They don’t want to disappoint you and they don’t have space to carry your emotions on top of their own. They’re already figuring out where they fit and how much control they have over their lives.
Their sass might be a bid for power. Their silence might be a shield. Their sarcasm could be covering pain. The invitation is to meet the moment instead of trying to manage it. It’s important to distinguish emotional expression from defiance. Of course, these behaviors can’t run wild and it is important to pay attention if it’s happening frequently, but they also don’t always need immediate correction.
Teens need a parent who is grounded when things get heated and who sees the behavior as part of the process, not a personal attack. As invitations to grow together. This can be challenging to remember in moments when you aren’t well rested or resourced.
Most eye rolls say, “I already know this.” It’s often self-protection in a moment when they feel powerless or embarrassed. Instead of snapping back with “Don’t roll your eyes at me,” try, “Your eyes are telling me this is frustrating.” Or simply say, “I know you already know this.” Sometimes statements land better than questions. Sometimes silence says more. Let the dust settle. If you want your teens to pause out in the world, when you’re not there, show them how, now.
Usually, a slammed door is a need for space and no idea how to ask for it. Maybe they’re at their edge. This can be a punctuation mark in a sentence they don’t have words for. It might mean, “I feel unheard” or “I’m overwhelmed.” You might want to chase or yell, especially if that’s the reaction you got as a kid. You don’t need to overreact or pendulum swing to passive parenting. Instead, calm your own body. Honor their need for space when possible. Knock gently later. It’s not permissive. It’s patient and patience creates safety.
Talking back is often an effort to stand up for themselves. Teens are learning how to express disagreement and separate from the family. This is individuation in real time. Teens are practicing and they don’t always have the emotional maturity to do it gracefully. Make it about connection, not a power struggle. You can say, “It’s okay to disagree” or “You’re allowed to be upset, not unkind” or “Let’s take a break and circle back later. I don’t want either of us to say something we regret.” Timing is everything. Just because you’re ready to discuss something doesn’t mean your teen is. Choosing your moment matters just as much as choosing your words. And knowing yourself, and your teen, matters most.
You don’t need to deliver an analysis. In fact, don’t. They already know what you are going to say. They will tune out a long lecture. Instead, offer a steady presence and a few words that open the door. You might say, “That was a tough moment,” and let that be enough. Or speak to their future, more capable, regulated self—without being condescending. Something like, “I know this was hard. And I know how capable you are.”
When you make space for their experience while holding respectful boundaries, you model something special. Teens do as you do, not as you say. This part is hard, and it’s also the powerful part. If you respond to disrespect with more disrespect, you create a loop, but if you meet their chaos with calm, it’s a gift they’ll carry. You’ve got to be real though because teens can sense an agenda. This might sound like, “Wow, that got heated. I am gonna step away, but I know we will figure this out together.”
Your steadiness becomes their anchor as their inner world is spinning. When your teen loses it and you stay centered—not cold or checked out, but truly steady—you’re showing them how to regulate. When you see what’s underneath, you show them how to slow down and reflect, not by telling, but by doing. This doesn’t mean you allow rude behavior. It means you meet it from a place of connection instead of control. In heated moments, everyone’s brain is flooded. What supports your relationship is your ability to stay present through it.
Repair matters. You won’t always get it right. Neither will they. That’s okay. What matters is how you come back after the rupture. When things settle, circle back. Say what you meant to say. Own your part. You might try, “I didn’t love how I handled that earlier. I wish I had responded like…” This models humility, repair and emotional resilience—all skills your teen needs for adulthood.
The goal isn’t blind obedience. It’s a relationship. It’s resilience. It’s responsibility. If you want to raise teens who follow, then eye rolls and backtalk might feel like failure, but if your hope is to raise emotionally aware, discerning humans—then these moments are golden opportunities and uncomfortable invitations to grow.
Teens will push every button you have. They know you, just like you know them. They’re asking you to be the kind of parent who doesn’t confuse their immaturity with cruelty. One who owns and embodies a grounded, relational power. This is true leadership, legacy and love. They’ll tune into this channel, even if they pretend not to. Teaching teens emotional maturity starts with ours.
Kirsten Cobabe is a parent coach, teen whisperer and steady voice in a loud world. With over two decades of experience working with families, she supports parents in raising teens who are self-sufficient and self-aware. Her work centers on attunement over assumptions, presence over performance and authentic connection over control. Her signature group offers ongoing support for parents ready to lead with clarity and critical thinking. Kirsten guides parents in evolving patterns, building trust at home and heart and raising resilient young people who are empowered, anchored and rooted in discernment. Learn more at kirstencobabe.com and parentingwave.com.
