by Elsa Lee, Ph.D., Clinical Director, Assets School
Many parents come in feeling frustrated and confused. They describe repeating themselves over and over, raising their voice, and still feeling ignored. In many families, however, the issue is not defiance on the child’s part, but a communication breakdown. Communication is how information moves from one person to another. It happens through words, but also through tone of voice, facial expressions, eye contact, and body language. Because children learn how communication works by watching their parents, every interaction is shaping how they listen, how they speak, and how they see themselves.
Why Does Communication Matter?
The way parents communicate with their children matters because it directly affects relationships. When communication is open and effective, relationships tend to be stronger. Research shows that children who experience respectful communication are more likely to feel heard and understood, which in turn supports self-esteem. They also tend to see their parents as reliable and trustworthy. In contrast, communication that is negative, dismissive, or inconsistent can lead children to feel unimportant or misunderstood. Over time, these children may stop trying to talk or stop taking directions seriously. Parents who communicate clearly and consistently are more likely to have children who cooperate, because those children know what to expect and feel secure in their role within the family.
What’s the Issue Here?
One of the most common communication problems happens before a parent even finishes a sentence. Many parents give instructions while their child is distracted, such as playing a game on their computer or using their phone. In those moments, the child’s attention is elsewhere, even if they appear to hear the words. When this pattern repeats, children learn that they do not need to respond right away because the request will be repeated. Parents then feel ignored and grow more frustrated. Another issue is that when parents feel their messages are not being heard, they may start to nag, lecture, threaten, yell, or use sarcasm and guilt, often without realizing that these responses can cause children to shut down quickly.
What Can I Do to Communicate Better?
A simple but powerful change is to make sure your child has your full attention before you speak. Walk over to them, pause the activity, and make eye contact. When children are spoken to face-to-face rather than from across the room or over their heads, they are less likely to tune out the message and more likely to take it seriously.
Clarity is another key ingredient. Children understand best when instructions are simple, specific, and appropriate for their age. Long explanations can overwhelm them, especially when they are tired or upset. Saying too much can make it harder for children to follow through. A helpful approach is to give information in small pieces and watch for signs that your child has had enough, such as fidgeting, spacing out, or avoiding eye contact. If their attention is not fully present, pause and wait for a more optimal moment to deliver the message.
Does it Matter How I Say it?
What parents say always carries an emotional message. Words, tone, and timing communicate how a parent feels about a child. A quick dismissal or distracted response can unintentionally signal that a child’s needs are not important. Many parents feel deep love and acceptance toward their children, but this has to be communicated through words and actions. Children cannot assume how we feel; they learn it from what we say and how we say it. Even small moments matter! The tone we use, whether we drop what we are doing just to lay eyes on them, and whether our response feels warm, validating, or dismissive allshape how children interpret our intentions. When children regularly experience communication that feels attentive and respectful, they are more likely to stay engaged and receptive. When that sense of acceptance is missing, children may stop listening, not because they don’t care, but because they don’t feel emotionally met.
Be Curious
Curiosity is a powerful tool. When parents are genuinely curious about their children’s thoughts and feelings, without hidden agendas or judgment, children are more likely to open up. Ask about their perspectives and show interest in their preferences. Approach the conversation like a reporter who simply wants to understand someone’s life, rather than someone trying to change it or poke holes in it. At the same time, be careful not to ask too many questions, as this can feel overwhelming and cause children to withdraw. Many older children avoid conversation when it starts to feel like an interrogation.
Sometimes parents share that their children do not open up or seem to have nothing to say, even when there is genuine interest in their lives. Children may be at a stage where they want more privacy and independence, or they may worry that opening up will lead to lectures or criticism. One effective way to support openness is to normalize casual, low-pressure conversation. This might look like chatting during meals or during pickup and drop-off in the car. Even a few minutes of quality conversation each day can allow the relationship to blossom organically over time.
Resolving Conflicts
Conflict is unavoidable in families, but it does not have to damage communication. During disagreements, it helps to focus on one issue at a time rather than bringing up past mistakes. Speaking respectfully, even when emotions are high, models the behavior parents want children to learn. Describing how you feel using what psychologists call “I statements” rather than blaming reduces defensiveness. It is also important to correct behavior without attacking the child. Once a conflict is resolved, allowing a clean slate helps children feel safe to try again.
The Big Picture
Effective communication takes practice. Children do not need parents to agree with every feeling or thought, but they do need their experiences to be empathized with and acknowledged. When children feel understood, communication is more likely to remain open. When they feel minimized or judged, they are far less likely to come back for more. Parents are bound to make mistakes, but when children experience their parents as genuinely attentive, respectful, and consistent, that is already the beginning of open, honest communication.
Dr. Elsa Lee is a neuropsychologist and clinical director at Assets School. She oversees the Transforming Lives Center, which provides psychoeducational and neuropsychological evaluations for school-aged children in Hawaii.
