by Elsa Lee, Ph.D.
For many of us, the word discipline brings back memories of how we were raised. Time-outs, things being taken away, or maybe even yelling or physical punishment. But real discipline is not all about removing privileges or enforcing rules. It is about helping children grow by reaching goals, developing positive values, and meeting appropriate social expectations. So how do we do that? Let’s walk through some important ideas and practical strategies that parents can use in everyday life.
“How Can I Get Through to My Child?”
Before we talk about changing behavior, we have to start with building connections. To connect with a child means to tune in to their world and understand where they are coming from. When a child is emotionally connected to a parent, they feel safe, heard, and seen. Studies show that when a child experiences emotional safety, the brain’s amygdala, also known as the “alarm system” for danger, becomes less reactive. This gives the child more mental space to slow down and listen to suggestions.
How do we build that connection? By hearing our children’s thoughts, empathizing with their emotions, and asking questions that show we are genuinely interested in their inner world. Once we build this bridge between their experience and ours, children will be more willing to engage with us, simply because they feel validated and understood. A simple “That must’ve been really frustrating,” or “What was on your mind when that happened?” can open the door to much deeper conversations.
“I Know He’ll Listen if I Just Take His iPad Away”
It is tempting to stop a behavior by jumping into action. This may mean taking away the tablet, threatening with serious consequences, or raising our voices. These strategies often work temporarily in the moment, which is why they are so appealing. But getting a quick fix does not help our children understand and learn what’s more significant. When we use fear or shame to change behavior, children may comply quickly, but they do not learn why their behavior matters. They simply know what to do in the moment to avoid getting in trouble. So, instead of asking, “How can I get them to obey?” try asking, “What do I want them to understand from this?” And before reacting, consider what might be getting in the way. Could they be tired, overstimulated, or simply not equipped yet to meet the demand? When we pause to look beyond the behaviors, we can respond in ways that support learning and meaningful change.
“Why Do I Tell Them the Same Thing Over and Over?”
Two key ingredients of effective discipline are being specific and consistent. Being specific means telling our children exactly what we expect in a way that is clear and achievable. Instead of saying, “Stop moving around,” we can say, “Please stay in your chair until you’ve finished eating. When you’re done, you can get up.” This gives them a clear picture of what we need them to do.
Setting clear expectations is important, but it only works well when we follow through with them consistently. Children are more likely to act reasonably when they know what to expect. If rules and consequences keep changing, they get confused and start testing boundaries to see what might happen. Minor inconsistencies, like saying yes to video games one day and no the next, or allowing snacks before meals depending on our mood, may not seem like a big deal in the moment, but they can make children more likely to push back as there are no hard rules to rely on. Research shows that when children are rewarded inconsistently, their behavior often gets worse. On the other hand, when parents are consistent and predictable, children tend to feel safer, more cooperative, and better able to thrive.
“They Just Need to Try Harder!”
Many parents eagerly want their child to do well. That desire can turn into frustration when it feels like the child could do better if they just tried. It is not uncommon to hear comments like, “Oh, my kid’s just being lazy,” or “If he really wanted to, he could do so much better.” But when a child does not meet expectations, we need to ask: Why can’t they right now? Not, Why won’t they? When we assume that a child is being difficult on purpose, we might overlook what is going on beyond their behavior. Often, their inability to comply is not due to their defiance, but a reflection of how their brain and body are reacting in the moment. Stress, fatigue, or emotional overload can make it hard for them to make the right choice in the moment, even if they want to. A more helpful question to ask is: What might be getting in the way, and how can I help them overcome this hurdle?
“It’s Hard to Talk to Kids… They Just Don’t Listen!”
To discipline our children does not mean we need to be stern or harsh. In fact, discipline is most effective when we are firm and warm. We can set limits without yelling or using threats. Instead of saying “Stop slamming doors!” we can respond with, “I see you’re so upset that you slammed the door, but it is not okay to let out anger this way.” This response allows you to establish clear boundaries and acknowledge their emotion at the same time. When we stay calm, we are modeling the kind of emotional regulation skills that we want them to learn. A good rule of thumb when handling children’s frustration is that the more upset they are, the more we need to stay calm and grounded. This can help our children feel safe, which in turn allows them to listen more readily.
“So How Do I Start?”
Begin with small steps. Try slowing down before you react to a misbehavior, or an argument. Listen and encourage your child to share their thoughts first before you tell them how they should act. Provide clear expectations and follow through calmly and consistently. When you make these changes, your child will notice and begin to respond accordingly. It is no secret that being a parent is stressful, and we can easily lose sight of the bigger picture by desperately wanting to correct our child’s mistakes that seem urgent. But discipline is not just about a short-term fix. It is also about building, nurturing, and teaching. When we use discipline to show the way instead of to punish, we will help our kids develop awareness and self-regulation that can help them navigate life with resilience and confidence.
Dr. Elsa Lee is a neuropsychologist and clinical director at Assets School. She oversees the Transforming Lives Center that provides psychoeducational and neuropsychological evaluations for school-aged children in Hawai’i.
