by Elsa Lee, Ph.D.
When a child struggles in school or behaves in ways that feel hard to understand, parents often find themselves asking difficult questions. Why does my child melt down when the classroom gets noisy? Why can she remember every line from a movie but forgets to bring home her homework? Why is making friends so hard for him when he clearly wants to connect? More and more families and educators are using the word neurodivergence to describe these kinds of differences. It is a term that has entered everyday language, but its meaning is not always clear. For parents, understanding what neurodivergence is and isn’t can make a tremendous difference in knowing how to support a child at home and at school.
What is neurodivergence?
Neurodivergence refers to natural differences in how brains develop and function. The idea grew out of the neurodiversity movement in the 1990s, which challenged the assumption that there is a single “normal” way for the brain to operate. Neurodiversity emphasizes that human minds vary widely in how they process information, learn, and interact. These differences can be valuable and do not automatically mean something is “wrong.” Children who are neurodivergent may have conditions such as autism spectrum disorder, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and other learning differences, such as dyslexia and dysgraphia. Some have sensory processing differences, tic disorders, or mental health conditions that affect learning and social functioning. Others may not have a diagnosis but still experience traits such as heightened sensitivity to noise and touch in their surroundings. Recognizing neurodivergence helps parents and teachers shift from asking “Why isn’t my child more like others?” to “What does my child need to thrive?”
How it impacts children
For many neurodivergent children, development can feel uneven, and their strengths often coexist with challenges. A child might be able to build highly complex Lego structures or draw intricate designs, but is easily overwhelmed by writing a simple story or responding to a social cue. Another may have a remarkable memory for details but struggle to follow multi-step directions. Some children are highly sensitive to sounds or textures, while others seek extra movement or pressure to stay calm. Social situations can also be confusing if a child misses facial expressions, body language, or unspoken rules. Parents often describe these experiences as puzzling or even frustrating. Having worked with families, one mother recalls her daughter excelling in advanced math but dreading group projects. The mother described her daughter as someone who wanted friends desperately but was unsure about how to join in or match the interests of her peers. At home, the child often paced in circles after school and needed time to decompress from the noise and stimulation she experienced during the school day.
How families can help at home
At home, parents can create conditions that reduce stress and build skills. Predictable routines such as consistent morning and evening structures, having clear transitions between activities, and providing visual and verbal reminders can be a source of security and stability. Children can also benefit from having a designated calming space with dim lighting or noise reduction, or a place they can retreat to when the world feels overwhelming. Parents can support the development of executive skills by working alongside their children on organization and planning. For example, a parent might sit with their child to map out the steps of a school project, demonstrate how to use a planner effectively, or practice setting small, manageable goals. These skills can allow children to thrive when parents are actively engaged and empathetically supporting their child’s differences.
Another idea is to share insights with teachers. Many families write an “About Me” letter at the beginning of the school year that highlights their child’s strengths, challenges, and strategies that help at home. Teachers often appreciate this information, as it helps provide expectations and inside knowledge of what helps the child thrive in a new classroom setting.
What schools can do
Schools play a central role in shaping a neurodivergent child’s experience. Research consistently identifies three areas where support is most needed. They include behavior, executive functioning, and social connection. Predictability is a powerful tool that helps manage these experiences. When teachers post a clear daily schedule, preview changes, and explain assignments step by step, they reduce the mental effort required to keep track of expectations, which can be helpful for children with attention or learning challenges who process information differently.
Executive functioning supports can also be built into instruction. Instead of expecting students to manage a large project on their own, teachers can break it into smaller parts, each with its own due date. Visual timers, planners, and subject-specific folders give students external tools to manage organization and time. These strategies make it easier for children to start and complete tasks. Classroom environments can also be designed to account for sensory differences. Allowing noise-canceling headphones, providing flexible seating, or setting up a quiet corner gives students options for self-regulation. When a child does become upset, pausing to acknowledge their feelings before addressing the behavior helps them regain control and builds trust.
Social support is another important area that requires thoughtful planning. For some neurodivergent children, lunchtime and recess can be the hardest parts of the day, because unstructured interactions often leave them isolated or vulnerable. Schools can create structured social opportunities such as small lunch groups, peer mentoring programs, or guided social skills activities. Teachers who frame neurodiversity as one part of classroom diversity help all students understand and accept differences, which can reduce stigma and improve a sense of inclusion.
When to seek professional guidance
If a child continues to struggle in meaningful ways, such as avoiding school, failing to maintain meaningful friendships, or consistently falling behind academically despite support, it may be time to seek professional guidance. Pediatricians are often the first step to help families decide whether a referral is needed. Psychologists can then conduct comprehensive evaluations to explore how a child learns, processes information, and manages emotions and behavior. When questions about speech, language, or sensory development arise, speech-language pathologists and occupational therapists can offer targeted interventions to support communication or daily functioning.
Dr. Elsa Lee is a neuropsychologist and clinical director at Assets School. She oversees the Transforming Lives Center that provides psychoeducational and neuropsychological evaluations for school-aged children in Hawai’i.\
