by Karen K.C. Gibson
Does the following scene sound familiar? You’re impatiently waiting at the checkout line, exhausted and dreading traffic, when your child screams, “Can you buy me this? I really, really want it! Everyone in school has it!” When you refuse to give in, you’re embarrassed when you’re told, “I hate you! I never get what I want! You’re the worst parent ever!” loud enough for everyone to hear before launching into explosive fits, including kicking, screaming, and crying. People glare at you with judgment, and you know what’s going through their minds, “Wow! What a spoiled brat.” If this scene sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Every kid has an off-day, even adults, but spoiled kids are stuck in ‘me’ mode. They feel entitled to get their way and throw a tantrum if their demands aren’t met.
As an only child, I made a vow never to give in to my daughters’ demands and teach them that sometimes, their requests won’t be granted. It’s a skill that prepares them for real life when losses will be suffered, plans will fall through, and wishes may not come true.
In my book, “Mama’s Gotta Let Go: How to Let Go without Losing Your Sanity,” I dedicated a chapter to creating an obedient child. As every parent learns, no matter how hard you try to make children obey, if they are strong-willed, you will encounter many power struggles through every phase of their life. You politely ask them to eat their vegetables, and you witness every vegetable on the floor, but they kick, scream, and embarrass you. You tell them to say “thank you” for the shirt their grandma gave them, and they scream, “No!” Why should I thank someone for the ugliest shirt in the world?!” You tell them to clean their room as you’ve seen families of cockroaches scatter whenever you open their door. Instead of cooperating, you feel exasperated hearing, “It’s MY room, and I have a right to keep it the way I want!”
Respect is far more valued than obeying. Children may obey fearing the consequences, or feel resentment, feeling as if they’re living in a mental prison. When they think they have no control, are constantly being told what to do, what they’re doing wrong, and punished for not obeying, the only way they know how to express their anger is through tantrums.
So, how can you banish bratty behavior? It may be impossible to prevent an occasional opposition from your child, but practice a few of these tips to reduce tantrums and increase cooperation.
Be empathetic, not permissive. Saying, “I know you’re upset because you can’t get that toy, but the answer is no. Maybe another time.” Consistent responses, delivered with a compassionate tone, will create a stronger bond. Your child will understand that “no” means “no.”
Don’t shame or name-call. “Stop acting like a spoiled brat” makes them identify with the negative label. These negative labels may stay with them throughout adulthood. As a parent coach, I’ve witnessed parents share that they don’t want to pass on bratty behavior because they were formerly brats.
Be clear and consistent. Create family rules with your child’s input to build ownership, encouraging cooperation and respect. Working as a team teaches your child essential skills, such as decision-making, negotiation, and understanding the consequences of their actions.
Don’t give in to manipulation. Children are master manipulators and experts at attempting to negotiate to get their way. Even giving in occasionally sends the message that rules aren’t set in stone.
Avoid taking it personally. Reactions or words from a child are usually a reaction to frustration, not a reflection on anyone. Overreacting can worsen the situation. Develop a thicker skin so instead of feeling disrespected, you know it’s your child’s frustration triggering their tantrum.
Separate the child from the behavior. Address the specific action instead of labeling a child. For example, say, “That was a rude way to ask,” not “You are a rude child”.
Listen actively. If a child feels unheard, acting out may occur. Give complete, non-judgmental attention when they’re sharing their frustrations to build trust and reduce the need for disrespect.
Create a Brat Busting Box. Make it a priority to carry these items to calm meltdowns and redirect bratty behavior.
- Visual Cue Cards. Simple cards with images or words like “Quiet Voice,” “Take a Breath,” “Listen to Music,” etc.
- Mini Emotion Wheel. Helps kids identify and name their feelings. As they name their feelings, they can deep breathe, blow bubbles, or use an essential calming oil.
- Pause & Reset” Button, a toy or printable. A fun prop to physically press the “reset” button and have a fresh start. Some children may need more than ten fresh starts throughout their day.
Keep in mind that bratty behavior is a sign that your child is having difficulty processing their emotions. The next time your child makes you want to scream, take five deep breaths, and try one of these “banishing bratty behavior” techniques. Tantrums are part of growing up, but they don’t have to destroy your day or send you into an adult tantrum!
